he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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