im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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