My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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