So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
