Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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