My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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