walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
