he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
