Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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