She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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