I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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