I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
