I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
