I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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