I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
