youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
