I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
