You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
