Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
