New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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