she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
