I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
