I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
