I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
