She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
