get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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