i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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