i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
