in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
