Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
