i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
