do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
