There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
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