Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Randomize
