Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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