You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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