We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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