There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize