Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
