Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Randomize
