I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
