it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just cut my nipple shaving
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize