I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
