Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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