Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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