You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
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