omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
