He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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