why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
how do flat chested girls get laid?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
