he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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