when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Im part way to drunk.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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