I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
