I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
