I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
