You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
