Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
