Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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