He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize