it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
